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 Nabila
Cowasjee, an immigrant herself, understands the conflicting
messages facing children in our country where most of
us hail from somewhere else. In this time of transition,
nurturing care is needed.
When we plant a tree we make sure that the soil is
fertile, that it receives adequate water and is in a
position that gives it sufficient sunlight. Only then,
with these fundamentals in place, can it continue to
grow strong and produce foliage, fruit and flowers in
abundance, with ease.
Nourishment, love and possibly a supportive education
are considered necessary to keep growing children operating
in a functional way; elements that help them weather
the vagaries of everyday life. These are tangible building
blocks that are relatively easy to focus on as we bring
up children.
There are some less obvious, but ironically crucial,
additions that assist the growth of healthy, happy and
well adjusted children in our constantly evolving society.
We live in interesting times. The earth and all its
energies, including human beings, is undergoing quiet,
but radical, change. We are in a metaphoric mid life
crisis, a period of transition. Our foundations and
stability are experiencing the effects of this movement.
It's widely reported that children are increasingly
suffering from chronic health conditions, ADD, drug
abuse, are in trouble with the law, lacking discipline
and engaging in anti social behaviour. These are all
issues that are a result of the base chakra, the chakra
that embodies our sense of "rootedness", that
isn't as balanced and grounded as it could be.
Australia is an unusual country in the sense that it
is largely made up of a population that, if traced back
to its original roots, hails from elsewhere. It is a
cornucopia of cultures superimposed onto a land that
has a rich spiritual and cultural history of its own.
On an energetic level, it must be a really confusing,
if colourful place to live, with all those messages
and energies jostling about, wrestling to find a voice.
We respond to these energies in subtle and unseen ways
and children, by virtue of their openness, are more
sensitive to this phenomenon.
As a result of my own varied ethnic, cultural and personal
background, this is an area I had to think long and
hard about when I had my own children. I hail from a
bi-cultural background both in terms of race and religion;
have lived in my birth country and that of my father,
as well as a variety of other nations. I married a man
who is yet again from another culture and spiritual
background and now we are in Australia, with no heritage
or clear links here either. A mixed bag of lollies if
ever there was one or, dependent upon how deep one's
neurosis goes, a recipe for disaster when it comes to
raising children!
Along with the wonderful opportunities diversity presents,
comes a shadow side. The Western world is moving slowly
away from structured religion. We live in an increasingly
secular community where religion no longer operates
as the guardian of the value systems by which we live.
The planet with all of us strapped to it is hurtling
towards the proverbial Age of Aquarius, which heralds
a time of working together for a common and just cause.
We still have residues of previous ages. The Age of
Aries was one where the survival of society depended
on the cultivation of loyalty to the tribe/family/social
group who set up a code of living, ethics and honour.
Under tribal consciousness, the group made the decisions
for the individual, from marriage partners to occupations.
The following Age of Pisces, from which we are just
emerging, began to value the voice of the individual.
The Piscean Age gave rise to individual choice associated
with emotion and introspection. The emergence of individual
power necessarily embodies the high road or low road
paradigm. We can clearly see in Western society the
growth of this individual energy which, at best, honours
personal expression, but at its worst, reeks of apparent
anarchy, selfishness and a lack of boundaries in terms
of values and ethics.
The loss of tribal values may have a confusing effect
on the rearing of children these days because society
and families are unable to provide a clear or ethical
core, even if it is to function as a point of rebellion.
The move away from establishment to individual has opened
us up to the vagaries of the media, for example, who
now construct and dictate to us how we should live our
lives and pursue our goals, usually from a place rooted
in commercialism of which the saddening effects are
clearly evident.
What does this period of transition mean for our children?
It seems that all of us do require a starting point
from which to launch our own growth. It is in childhood
that we receive our most crucial learning, the building
blocks for our future success. So the ground this foundation
is built on needs to be as fertile and life supporting
as it can possibly be. How then can we, as conscious
and caring parents, prepare and till the soil so it
supports our children's growth and resilience for the
rest of their lives? What practical means and methods
can we employ to facilitate this?
First of all, we need to be careful we don't throw
the baby out with the bath water. Evolution essentially
embodies the need to keep what is good, add new learning
and experience and improve upon what we already have.
It's not necessarily about returning to nostalgic,
old fashioned or tribal states where a theory or rule
is required to explain and control all aspects of life.
Nor is it about complete disregard for societal and
personal value systems. The answer possibly lies somewhere
in between these two paradigms and will require the
individual family to consider and construct their own
models for their children, models that reflect their
own values at this current time.
The most obvious building block that contributes to
the creation of a child's strong personal identity is
a sense of belonging. Belonging to a family, a culture
or a group of people gives children the safety and the
freedom to continue developing in line with their own
unique blueprint. The most important provider of this
sense of belonging lies in human relationships. "No
man is an island", so the saying goes, and strong
relationships are where children receive love and support
so they may continue to live lives that are rich and
meaningful.
Having safe, long lasting connections with kin enables
a child to grow without having to constantly re-explain
themselves and their histories. To have a sense that
we are valued as individuals despite differences, in
a non judgmental arena, is part of feeling significant
as human beings. It allows children to make choices,
even those that don't fit in with peer groups later
in life; truly important skills for growing children
in times where making the appropriate, self honouring
choices are paramount.
Wise parenting doesn't just happen; we ourselves are
products of different styles and sometimes victims of
incorrect and unhelpful experiences. Parents, and indeed
extended family, can contribute to this sense of belonging
by listening when children talk, by asking "good"
questions and by seeking clarification when a child
expresses themselves in a way that parents don't really
understand or by simply giving them a hug. To be sensitive
to the differing demands that children face helps them
to meet these challenges with increased confidence and
resilience.
Children also need to feel special. There is no greater
gift a parent can give to a child than to communicate
to them, through words and action, beyond any doubt
that there is at least one place in this world where
they will always belong and where they are so special
that no one else could ever replace them. So many parents
are involved these days in high energy, important jobs.
If questioned, most will express that the motivation
for all this hard work in the external world is to support
their families, but communicating this fact is not always
transparent and clear, or indeed appreciated by their
children. In amongst all this well meaning and necessary
"busyness", it is important to spend time
together, no matter what urgent issues arise.
Holding hands with this need for "special-ness"
is the fact that children need to be and feel protected.
They need to know that their caregivers love them enough
to protect them from unnecessary harm or hurt and that
someone will always be available to comfort and console
them, especially at times when pain is sometimes unavoidable
and may even be part of their own growth. The sense
of safety this provides creates a dynamic that will
serve children in their future encounters with life.
It enables children and adults to face the challenges
that life inevitably presents and breeds healthy independence
and self reliance.
My own somewhat itinerant and multicultural childhood
left me with very little other than memories and experiences
to carry with me on my adult journey, many of which
have turned to faded sepia as the grey hairs begin to
take up residence. This prompted me to ensure that I
kept some key concrete memories in the form of toys,
clothes, baby shoes, photographs, birthday cards and
art work that my children owned, encapsulating their
personality at particular periods in time. I hoped these
mementoes would not only give them a sense of their
childhood, but also remind them of who they really are,
something that can easily be lost as we grow up and
become, ironically, more susceptible to influences from
the outside. Sacred objects serve as a reminder that
the current moment is part of a bigger picture and provides
perspective. Totems that support the worship of ourselves
over and above peer and societal pressure and icons
that represent times where we felt loved and safe provide
increased personal respect and a sense of our own history.
An additional factor in building those crucial foundations
for children is the development of a positive spiritual
core. If you are reading this you will most likely be
interested in a more personal way of expressing your
spirituality and, in fact, may have a great deal of
abhorrence for traditional forms of worship.
But it is useful for a child to be aware of a stable
spiritual core in their family's life. It forges a connection
to a "bigger" picture view which, in turn,
can provide perspective when lost in the details of
life. It doesn't have to revolve around a world religion
or culture, but clear and communicable core values based
in the individual family's beliefs is crucial in our
morphing world where moral values and practices can
be radically different from one place or from one person
to another. The nurturing of this foundation block is
a key to stability throughout life. When children see
and feel a core personal faith and a stable set of values,
however mundane or secular, it leaves them equipped
to steer a steady course no matter what challenges they
encounter. It also gives them the courage to create
their own set of values later in life, which may well
be different from the ones they experience in their
own upbringing.
One of the ways in which this aspect of strong foundations
can be reinforced is through the dying art of ritual.
That word probably conjures up images of going to church
on Sunday, all dressed in your itchy and uncomfortable
best and having to sit through sermons that made no
sense, where you vowed that you would never put your
own children through such torture! But there are less
painful elements of ritual families can incorporate
into daily life! The very simple act of having a meal
together is possibly the most sustaining ritual we can
indulge in every day. Sadly, many families find this
increasingly difficult to do, with shift work, TV and
a lack of time to prepare meals under relaxed conditions.
The proverbial "breaking of bread" is one
ritual that seems to feed that crucial sense of belonging,
the need for good food and hopefully laughter, and provides
a forum for open communication, which, in turn, gives
opportunity for a child to feel heard, loved and special
at a particular time of day. Ritual and repetition gives
a child a place in the world. Young children, in particular,
benefit from rhythms and routines as they are otherwise
unaware of time. Reading bedtime stories and giving
children tasks to do such as setting the table or lighting
a candle at sunset, teaches them to experience some
measure of continuity, control and safety throughout
their lives.
Ultimately, parents and indeed families cannot provide,
protect and ensure complete safety and success for their
children - and just as in the story The Three Little
Pigs, the Big Bad Wolf may come knocking. But we can,
like the clever pig, build our house of bricks, (sticks
and straw just don't cut it!), where the mortar is love,
the door is always open for communication and cuddles,
the windows reflect our values and the path is always
lit showing the way home.
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