Nourishment comes in many different guises, says relationships counsellor Dr Charmaine Saunders. Love yourself enough to enjoy the best of life's offerings.

What nourishes us and how do we ensure we get the right kind of nourishment while reducing the wrong kind? A more pertinent question might be how do we tell the difference? After all, the same nourishing object might be positive or negative depending on various factors, like the slice of chocolate cake we can eat for pleasure and a well deserved treat, or out of guilty greed, satisfying a hunger that can never be filled.

To answer this is to know the difference between self love and self indulgence, to distinguish between dark and light, intuition and illusion.

There are many kinds of nourishment - fulfilling our physical needs, feeding our souls, stimulating our minds. Let's examine some of these in detail and, hopefully, arrive at a better understanding of the choices we make every day. Empowerment comes through knowing we have choices, then making the ones that uplift us rather than drag us down. Each one of the following areas has a positive and negative side which tells us a lot about the true nature of addiction. It's not the object or activity that is significant, but the need for it and the power handed over to it. Back to the chocolate cake. In itself, it's absolutely innocent, yet can become an object of fear to the anorexic or the obese. Then it's no longer nourishing, but indeed harmful.

FOOD
We can't exist without food. This we know. But I think we often forget that food is literally fuel for our bodies just as petrol drives our cars. The fact that it tastes good is merely a bonus. Yet food is used by many people for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with nutrition. How else can we explain the popularity of junk food which tastes so good but is so bad for our bodies? When I eat fresh, healthy food, my stomach actually feels different, kind of "in harmony" if that makes sense. When I eat "bad" food, no matter how delicious, it feels heavy and my energy level goes down. Yet I don't believe in being obsessive about always eating what's "right". Fast foods and takeaways may not be as nutritionally nourishing, but they're good for our inner selves if eaten only occasionally, connecting us to the children we once were who perhaps weren't allowed sweets or chips.

So, when do we use food negatively? When we eat to fill an unfillable hole inside us that has nothing to do with being hungry, in other words, what is known as comfort eating. It stems from childhood when desperate parents offer snacks to appease stroppy kids. The association between food and an emotional need is thus set. It's all a matter of proportion. Eating a chocolate bar at the end of a long, tiring day is fine as a reward, as long we know that's why we're doing it and it we don't do it frequently. Food also has a social context which is a joyful way to nourish oneself. Sharing food over conversation probably stems back to the Stone Age when families would eat in front of a campfire and tell stories.

SEX
Sex is a natural, joyful function, but as with food, it can be abused and overused. Sex is certainly nourishing as an expression of physical desire, lovemaking, spiritual connection, fun and even friendship. Its dark underbelly appears when it's twisted into acts of self loathing or abuse of others. It also can be taken to excessive levels, not just in frequency of activity but in terms of compulsion and need. I have no moral issue with any sex act undertaken by consenting adults - it's the intent that matters. A one night stand between strangers is fine as long as no one is deceived or deliberately hurt; fetishes and deviant behaviour are matters of personal choice; even promiscuity and infidelity are matters of individual conscience. However, when sex is employed as a weapon, imposed by one person on another, or taken to self destructive extremes, it is no longer nourishing but, rather, toxic. Within a relationship, the potential for sex to be misused is actually greater because of the deeper feelings involved, be they love, spite, contempt or hate. Sex, unfortunately, is not always about positive emotion; sometimes, it is linked to such issues as boredom, resentment and power. By embracing our sexuality in the light, we ennoble ourselves and interact with our lifeforce. In the dark, it is merely a physical act with little to feed us. There's nothing wrong with the sex act for its own sake, affording immediate gratification. Yet, just as with fast food, we need to consider the aftermath and partake with care.

COMFORT
Our material comforts, the things that money can buy, can be very nourishing on a superficial level. Who doesn't enjoy a cosy bed, beautiful furniture, a lovely home, delicious food, social outings, nice clothes, all the luxuries of life? We hold them in high priority, work hard for them and are entitled to enjoy them. Here, the dark side appears when desire turns into greed. Every year, the better car, the bigger television, more gadgets, toys and trappings - materialism running rampant. There's little nourishment in that because with the pleasure also comes the pain of debt, stress, the strain on health, running ever faster and faster on the treadmill just to stay in the game. Where's the joy in that? Never be in love with the things you own. They don't truly belong to you, but are only available for your use on a temporary basis. So, enjoy them, revel in them even, but don't identify with them, or your social standing or your career or your money in the bank. Using the analogy of food once again, materialism is like eating icecream as compared to the true nourishment of inner peace, love, compassion, friendship, joy, contentment, the vegetables and fresh fruit of spiritual life.

FRIENDSHIP
True friendship and connection is one of the most nourishing of all human interactions. We have many needs, ranging from the obvious ones like water, air, food, shelter, to the more esoteric ones like knowledge, poetry, music, art, conversation, touch, happiness - the list is infinite. I would argue that both sets of these needs are essential because, though the lack of the second may not kill us physically, it would kill our humanness, our souls. Friendship brings out the purest of our intentions and is an exchange based on mutual respect and unselfish love. It nourishes us in a number of ways - it offers camaraderie, companionship, confidence, sharing, caring, support. Socialising, too, is necessary for our general wellbeing. Without it, we can get too set in our ways, too stuffy, insular and, finally, isolated. There are times when we need to be nourished by time alone and then there are times when we need to be around people, chatting, laughing, exchanging ideas.

NATURE
As regular readers of my articles will know, I believe nature is the most healing aspect of life. Nourishment is more about feeding oneself on an ongoing basis rather than repairing damage. But when life gets extra tough and challenging, that's when we need to think more about what we're consuming -stress, anger, conflict, hostility, hatred, fear, or love, joy, compassion, kindness, nurturing and so on.

It's terribly easy to let nature nourish us; it's just a matter of sitting back and allowing it. We can walk by the sea, wander through the bush, sit in a garden or park, breathe in fresh air, smell a flower. It's simple.

Letting nature nourish us on a regular basis is not optional; our souls need it. So, don't tell yourself you're too busy, or you'll get out into the backyard or countryside on the weekend, or when you retire. Feed yourself on all the beautiful living things around you every day, if at all possible. It doesn't have to be a major undertaking. For example, if you work in the city, walk for 10 minutes during your lunch break.

TIME
We're all stretched for time these days. All the more reason to create some for ourselves at every given opportunity. We're all given 24 hours each day so it's no use crying, "There's not enough hours in a day!" No one is ever going to hand you spare time; you need to seize some and hold on tight to it. If you don't, it'll be snatched from you. It's not just any time either, it has to be quality time. Meditating is beneficial but that can take the form of almost any quiet activity. Time out can represent almost any form of any nourishment to us. We can use it to pursue hobbies, read, watch TV or films, go for a walk, sit and think, listen to music, fly a kite, kick a football. While I said before that socialising is important, solitude is also essential as spiritual food. Balance is the key as with so many things. Managing one's time is also crucial as is handling stress in a positive way. We hear a lot about the need to budget our money, but I think budgeting time is also valuable. That way, we get the essentials done and still ensure adequate leisure for ourselves.

LOVE
Surely the ultimate nourishment. Love is the only commodity that increases with consumption. As we love others, so our self love increases and the reflections of love we get from others. Loving those we like and who value and praise us is easy and rewarding in its own way, but far more nourishing is the kind of blanket love that true Christianity espouses and all religions teach. It's what I call Universal or spiritual love, the type that doesn't discriminate or favour or judge. It sees no division, colour, race or borders. To live with love like that is ultimately nourishing because it lifts us to a place of bliss where there is only harmony and acceptance. It all begins with self love, not the material grasping, selfish kind, but the type that engenders peace within, from which all goodness comes. Love is as natural as breathing. It doesn't have to be learned, though, as the poet Kahlil Gibran says, "its ways are hard and steep". This is because we are human and in our very imperfection is the challenge of relationship. Relationships are hard work, love never is. Personal love can also be very nourishing, along with the joys of sex, family, friendship.

Love yourself enough to want to nourish yourself constantly with the best that life has to offer, ranging from the material to the metaphysical. Read, laugh, make love, talk, share, dance, sing, run in the sunshine, walk in the rain. Do it all, even the less healthy things in moderation. There is endless nutrition surrounding us if we seek it, allow it, enjoy it.