Relationships counsellor Dr Charmaine Saunders says that wonderful state of grace is within our reach. We just have to want it and seek it out.

Growing up as a strict Catholic, the word "grace" always has a religious connotation for me. We speak of "the grace of God" and "being in the state of grace", both expressions meaning to be in spiritual favour. This is something I assume we all want and actively seek, especially NOVA readers! I no longer am a Catholic, strict or otherwise, and yet I wish to live my life in and with grace. There must be a lot of people who share this sentiment so how do we do this outside the confines of established religion? I'd like to share with you a few possible - and achievable - avenues.

LIVING IN GRACE

Integrity
Without honour and honesty, there can be no grace. But honesty doesn't only entail telling the truth to others - it's much more about self awareness and self acceptance. With these come liberation of spirit and a life of true freedom. I believe that the true secret of happiness is not power, love or wealth - it is freedom of choice, of heart and of mind.

To be free, one has to be true and that requires moral strength and courage - other words for grace.
It may not be possible for human beings to be "lie-free", but motive is a key factor. For example, if you lie to spare someone's feelings, that could be a good thing. It isn't about doing right all the time - it's more about knowing your own heart and living by your own moral code.

Dignity
Another well known expression is "grace under fire", meaning finding strength in the face of adversity, conflict and struggle. Of course, we try to minimise these difficulties in our lives but sometimes, they can overwhelm us when we become distracted or complacent. We find ourselves suddenly or progressively drowning in trouble. Where once there was solid ground there is now treacherous terrain. There are many possible responses. I always suggest to my clients that the natural human response is the best initial reaction - screaming, crying, raging. But when these subside, detachment is the required state, stepping out of the emotion of the situation and seeking out the eye of the storm where calm reigns. Then quiet solutions can be found.

Challenging times
2006 has been a testing year for many. I read that it's a year for facing up to karma, dealing with things we've repressed or refused to face. For some, it might be in the financial realm; for many of us, it's with relationships; yet others have had to face health issues and addictions. When life throws you challenge after challenge, it's like being dumped by a series of huge waves. Before you can catch your breath, you're riding another crisis. It's pretty hard to be graceful when your arms and legs are akimbo, your mouth is full of sand and your head's under water. A sense of humour goes a long way towards coping in these situations. The other beneficial strategy is to look for the lesson. There always is one, and with it, the opportunity to grow, heal old wounds and improve the future.

LIVING WITH GRACE

Relationships
To have grace within any relationship is probably the most difficult of all because it involves a factor outside yourself which you cannot control - that is, the other person or group of people with whom you're interacting. We're all different though we're all the same. It's in the little things that we differ and these are the areas which cause the most conflict - how you hang up the washing or squeeze the toothpaste at home, how you keep your desk or do your job at work. Just the fact that you're alive can be irritating to somebody.

Acceptance and tolerance are the only answers to this dilemma. If we practise these, we are more likely to be offered the same. Not judging or criticising is the best path to grace when dealing with others. To come only from love and focus on the positives in those around us, to be generous with praise, to overlook slights, to rise above petty concerns, to forgive - these are the paths to grace.

Spirituality
Grace, like so many human aspirations, comes from within and to be in touch with our inner beings, we need to have an interior life. To lead a graceful life, seek out pursuits that promote this - meditation, yoga, tai chi, communing with nature, playing with children, following your bliss, relaxation, silence and stillness. Lifestyle in general is very important and within that framework, balance. There is no grace in busyness, in stress and in strife. Conflict takes us away from our peaceful centres. The Desiderata says - `As far as possible, be on good terms with all persons.'
Promoting harmony is proactive. It comes primarily from quietening the mind and not looking for opportunities to debate, argue and dissent.

Lifestyle
Stress is part of everyday life and must be managed and kept to a minimum. It's very debilitating and damaging; if allowed to run rampant through your days, it will wreck havoc in every area of life - relationships, health, sleep, work, wellbeing in general. Yet, if harnessed and utilised, it can be a great ally and asset. Stress creates tension and tension is anything but graceful. A sublime existence is possible where there is desire for it and self belief to achieve it. Keeping your mind focused on the positive prepares the ground for a fertile life. Positive life is a choice, stemming from a glass-half-full philosophy. It isn't about saying everything is wonderful all the time; it's choosing joy even in the face of tragedy, the stubborn insistence to find the gem inside the manure.

Love
Love is the ultimate grace, even in the standard religious context. To be in God's grace is to live with love, not the romantic kind, which is actually very narrow and limited. Love with a capital L is the type that buys grace. It is spiritual love, universal love that is all encompassing and inclusive. It knows no bigotry, no racism, no discrimination, no hate, no violence, no envy, no anger. Yes, it's possible! And not only possible, but effortless when you find this love in your own heart. Then it's totally easy to share it. It is not governed by any rules other than the law of the Universe. Just be free and happy, relaxed and trusting - therein lies grace, bringing all its inherent gifts along with it.

Grace around us
All these techniques lead us to grace, but there is also a passive approach. All spiritual roads are travelled by simply letting go. There is no climb, no huffing and puffing, just surrender. Allowing is a very powerful tool. Once that's mastered, finding grace is as natural as breathing. Too hard to be forgiving, non-judgemental, caring, unselfish, truthful? Then just sit quietly with your natural, graceful self.

Think of all the graceful things you can visualise - a bird on the wing, a skater on the ice, the turn of a ballerina's head, the shivering flower, the heavenly sounds of a boys' choir, a playful puppy, a baby lying peacefully asleep. These images remind us of our higher selves, lifted up from the mundane, the petty, the daily grind of routine and chores. Yet there is enormous grace in the bent body working on the land, the sweeping movements of a broom, the plunging of hands into dark earth.

We are surrounded continually by grace and so, there is nothing difficult or rarefied about this quality. It is only uncommon because so few of us seek it.

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